mommy

my mum's passing away was bitterweet. we're grieving her loss but at the same time, we are happy because she feels no more pain, her suffering has ended and she's now in a better place.

no matter how many times i tell myself that she's in a better pace, it doesn't completely fill the void she left in my heart. i do know that one day, the pain will go away and i won't have to cry myself to sleep. it has to end, because i know she wouldn't want me to be like that. i have lots of wonderful memories of mum that will last me a lifetime; but, there's nothing better than having her right here with us.

i admit it's hard not having mum around. we've been so used to having her here in every aspect of our lives, tath we greatly feel her loss. even during the times her body was weak, her mind an spirit were at their finest.

my responsibilities have naturally broadened since i'm the eldest which sometimes makes me feel like i'm the mum now. but no matter how hard the task seems to be, i will try my best to live up mum's expectations. after all, she taught us well. she prepared us for the eventuality of her loss, although even if we seemed like the best prepared persons around, when that time comes, no one really is.

my mum was the strongest person i've known in my lifetime. from the moment we learned that she had breast cancer in 2003, she was a pillar of strength. she had undergone mastectomy and not even finished her cycles of chemotherapy because she cannot tolerate the pain and feeling after the session. but even though she has illness and undergone these medications to fight of, she still continue to live in a very normal life...a very NORMAL life.

it was february 2006 when we first admitted her to the hospital as she felt nausea and headache. we just thought that it was just a symptoms of hypertension / highblood. we were in and out of the hospital from then on until she was diagnosed with hydrocephalus due to heat stroke. our first doctor was a mistake (damn!). he made mummy his experimental subject-trial and error. until finally, the family decided to change for a new doctor, who advised us to let mummy undergone a lumbard tap and VP shunt immediately. she was bedridden for 3 months; my uncle and i were the ones who dedicatedly take care of her since dud was assigned already in cebu.

it was april 29, 2006, 4pm, when mom's heartbeat became erratic and her oxygen levels dropped further. it was then we felt mom's time was almost up...but i kept on denying it. our family friend asked me to pray the "prayer before death" but i was so hesitant to pray it; so as not to loose my respect to her, i closed my eyes and sincerely prayed on the last 2 lines pf the prayer until i opened them, her heart beat stopped. i was so urged to call for an ambulance but dud was stopping me saying..."it's time for mommy to let go."

for that i am very thankful as she passed away surrounded by her family. she didn't suffer in the end. it was the way she wanted to.

she was not only a pillar of strength, but also because she was the most supportive, a friend, a wife, a mother, a drinking partner, a talented actress, a respected teacher and all around a beautiful person i have ever known and i know that everyone knows her feel the same way, too. she was even alled "mommy dolly" by her students and acquaintances. let me take this line by a good friend of her during the eulogy, "calling a person "mommy" not related to her has a great respect to the person."

i miss everything about her , our laugh trips, her voice, her acting, our "kulitan" everytime i arrived home from work, the hugs and kisses, the way she smelled, the girl talk we had, our family day during sundays, our food trippings and inuman sessions. i miss everything. yes, even our quarrel times. my mum and i may not have the perfect mother-daughter relatioship, but i wouldn't trade her for anyone in the world. we used to have fights because i was so stubborn and we were alike that we tended to clash, but we had the greatest time when we are together.

i came to know her better when i accompanied her in the hospital and took care of her. i came to see mum as a woman and not just a mother. i knew her fears and i admired her more when she confronted those fears head on.

these things happened for a reason and has purposed. miracles did happen and lessons learned.
treasure your friends.
count your blessings.
prayers are powerful.
that we need to cry when we feel like crying. we're only humans and its natural to be weak.
but be strong at all times.
and that i still have other responsibilities to do, not just being a daughter.
cherished your parents while they are aound.

after the show, "CLOSETS".

it's been almost 6 years since she passed away and not a day goes by when i don't think about her. a lot has changed, my siblings and i grew up a lot and i know dud misses her more everyday. we've had challenges and i know there are more to come, but now that we have one guardian angel guiding us, everything will be all right.

 

mommy taught us that "...when your stressed and overwhelmed turn to people around you. value your friends. hold on to fun and loving moments that make life worth living."